look at the lines on that face. i'm old. there's no more denying it. now, even when my smile is abscent, the remembrance of it is etched indelibly on my face (more disturbingly, the same truth applies for my frown). i'll be 37 in a matter of days, half way to 74 - i am in the middle of my life - middle-aged.
don't get me wrong, i'm quite happy about my age. the only traumatic birthday i've ever had was my twentieth. i remember watching a crowd dancing at a party and getting so depressed because they were all teenagers - an epithet which would never again apply to me. since then, however, i've been happy being the age i am with no real desire to reverse the clock.
nevertheless i have been having something of a midlife crisis since about the age of 14 - certainly from the age of 16 when i began reading sartre, camus, gide and the rest of the existentialists. (i actually pretentioussly called myself an existentialist for about six months back then). there are some unavoidable truths in life:
- i am mortal
- i will die someday
- my days are numbered
- i have spent quite a lot of my alotted time already
- i am not going to be here forever
gym's are strange places. no longer the domain of grunting, hulking men who sweat profusely and have little notion of personal hygiene as they lift cars, houses and small villages over their heads, today's gyms are bright, spacious and airy, with all ages, body shapes and sizes adequately represented. but as i sit there and watch (note those verbs and the absence of "pump", "run" and "feel the burn"!) pandering to my insatiable podcast addiction, i can't help being invaded by a sense of the utter futility of it all.
one one side i have a 17 year old boy all zits and hormones, not yet broad enough to be called tall, he's simply gangly and he's pushing and pulling and hauling and heaving in the mistaken belief that in doing this he is defining manhood. then next to him is a woman, roughly the colour of a leather satchel and more wrinkled. she's probably only in her 50s but the sunbeds have taken their toll. she too is bewitched and probably actually believes that she looks pretty similar to what she did when she was 22. these two are too absorded in their own preening and posturing to even notice the couple in the corner, who are both well into their 70s, if not their early 80s. their skin has sagged, their faces are a mass of expressive wrinkles and the weights they are lifting aren't really a lot heavier than a big bag of nothing!
the point is that at best we are staving off the inevitable. our bodies peak around the age of 25 and thereafter its a frenetic game of catch-up. i used to laugh at one of my friends who has nursed a pot-belly all the time i have known him. i remember him telling me, just wait till you hit 30, suddenly you won't be laughing so much any more! i remember his words often as i enter my second trimester of this pregnancy which never seems to come to term!
of course this doesn't mean that we simply give up on trying to stay fit, curl up in a corner and die, but the inevitable advent of death should cause us to question whether we are putting our effort in the right place - making a sensible time-investment.
many towns and cities in new brunswick are in flood at the moment - the worst since 1973! our friends live on a peninsula which has now become an island and will probably remain so for the best part of a week leaving them utterly stranded. everyone knew the floods were coming. we listen to the news every day to see where the high water has reached. northern new brunswick had record-breaking snowfall this winter which has now melted and has entered the river system which ends right at saint john (where the river opens out into the ocean). we knew it was coming. people on low-lying ground take all possible precautions. it's like a wave approaching, engulfing everything. all behind it is submerged; all ahead awaits the inevitable.
a few months ago our friend's mum died and we attended the funeral. she was born in 1938 and now she is dead. i pictured an inexorable wave approaching, engulfing all in its wake. it had reached all those born in 1938 - everything before that point was totally flooded - all human life expunged. i was born in 1971. the wave is approaching; it is gravely (sic) ineluctable.
i have a tattoo, part of which says momenti mori - remember you must die. it's a phrase that was used a lot during the heady days of the enlightenment. in many paintings of that era the artist will have a human skull depicted in the corner - in the midst of life, death is right there; death is not separate from but, rather, an integral part of life itself.
contemplation of death was encouraged during the middle ages. our "developed" western world does all it can to keep all the unsightly appearances of it from us. the graveyard is no longer the centre of our village (this is one of the reasons why the attacks on september 11th were so utterly upsetting - right in the heart of life, in the midst of our achievement and success, death came raging). many of us have never even seen a dead body, unlike our ancestors. we pretend to have technologically tamed death. we no longer listen for its approach. it seems we have a developed a fatal case of immortality!
a certain amount of death is very healthy - in fact, i would suggest, utterly necessary. go out into a field, lie down under the skies (at least all of you who aren't living in calgary which is still under feet of snow!) and think about your own mortality. really think. i think it alters the way we live right here and now.
socrates says that the unexamined life is not worth living and i agree wholeheartedly. part of this examination (perhaps a very large part) involves thinking about our mortality, our finitude, our demise and eventual end. only then does the journey spring into wondrous vitality and our priorities become rightly ordered.
if you were given a literal deadline, how would it affect your living? (incidentally, this is the central question asked in the incredible movie bladerunner).
if you found this post in any way interesting please digg, stumble, delicious, twitter, facebook, blog, email and gossip about it (and let me know when you do).
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Wow! At least you're not morbid! ;)
Great reminders, brother. You are a gifted writer. I love the imagery of the wave covering all behind it, while everything before it awaits its inevitable submersion.
What would I change if I knew my “deadline”?
Love more. Yep, I think I’d love more.
Great thoughts, brother.
Have a great weekend.
Shalom
Posted by: Nathanael | Friday, 02 May 2008 at 12:16 PM
Oh yeah...you're getting old, you actually look older then me...and I'm old...You need more sleep...
Oh yeah...I will not second guess this one...and I've never seen Bladerunner...
Posted by: Mark Fowler | Saturday, 03 May 2008 at 07:04 PM
I found it interesting, though I don't think death is healthy...it's one of the worst things for your health.
Posted by: julie | Sunday, 04 May 2008 at 12:15 PM
i don't think death is healthy per se (obviously!) but i really do believe that regular contemplation on it is. we tend to get so caught up in existence that we miss life! as john lennon famously put it "life is what happens when your busy making other plans." how true. days slip into weeks which meander into moths and before we know it we're 37 already!! how the heck did that ever happen! jonathan swift said: "may you live all the days of your life" and i like that sentiment. remembering our finitude actually helps us seize the day and live life in all its abundance. also, thinking of our 'deadline' focuses us future-ward. too often i'm stuck in my past - a prisoner of failures and regrets. the advent of death refocuses our gaze on what is still left to do. so many people to touch, to influence, to love; so much injustice to fight.
and so here we are: right in the midst of death, living fully!
Posted by: shane magee | Sunday, 04 May 2008 at 05:18 PM
Very well put, must be because of your great wisdom that comes from being so much older than me...Happy Birthday!
Posted by: julie | Sunday, 04 May 2008 at 06:36 PM
thanks julie. just going to liquidise some dinner and change this diaper now.
where did i put my good teeth??
Posted by: shane magee | Sunday, 04 May 2008 at 06:40 PM
there's a wee quote from douglas coupland from "Life after God" that's been at the back of mind since i read it.. google saves the day from poor attempts at recall..
"When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun - that 'life' is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, after the holidays or whenever - But then, suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive. you find yourself asking, "well then, exactly what was it I was having - that interlude - that scrambly madness - all that time I had before."
think that kind of goes along with Swifts idea..
Posted by: neal | Monday, 05 May 2008 at 04:53 AM
love coupland and really love this quotation. thanks for bringing it to my attention neal.
Posted by: shane magee | Monday, 05 May 2008 at 03:42 PM